Last Fall, I published an article called "Making New Friends in College and Beyond" to encourage students to be more attentive to how your communication style might unintentionally scare away possible friends. In this article, I will talk about the opposite scenario: friendship loss and acceptance. I think this topic is particularly salient for students returning home from college; maybe, your high school friend group doesn't feel the same.
Understanding Relationships Through Attachment Style
When I was younger, I was especially sensitive to losing friends. I had abandonment issues that played out in how tight I held onto friendships—often bending over backwards to keep up with and accommodate friends who wouldn't keep up with or accommodate me. Since then, there's been an explosion of accessible information about attachment styles and how the attachment style you develop in childhood translates to your adult life. First developed by British psychologist, psychoanalyst and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950's— Bowlby developed attachment theory while he sought to understand the distress children felt when separated from caregivers. There are four types of attachment styles that can be broken into secure or insecure attachment. You can read more about attachment here and more about identifying attachment style here.
As I matured, I understood that I had insecure attachment tendencies. Due to that insecurity about relationships, I was internalizing loss as a reflection of self—I was convinced that I was to blame. I had to learn that for multiple reasons—some relationships are not built to last and that's OK. There's a saying that "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." I had to accept that not every relationship was not meant to be forever. I believe in an ideal world, we would be able to keep all of our friends. The reality is that people do grow apart and change in ways that make certain relationships unsustainable. That doesn't just stop at friendship; that could include romantic relationships and even family members.
The May 2021 American Perspectives Survey showed that in general Americans have fewer friends than ever before. Shrinking relationships were exacerbated by the pandemic but this trend has been building for decades. We are all living much busier lives than 10, 20, 30 or more years ago. The perception that making friends as you get older is 'hard' pushes us to hold onto relationships that have expired. That's a scarcity mindset; living in fear causes us to make decisions against our best interest
One Door Closes but Another Opens
I am encouraging you to embrace friendship loss as a natural part of life and to see it as a growth opportunity to make new friends who might be a better fit. Now, this is not to say you should cut off or ghost all your existing friends just to find new ones. Rather, if a once close relationship is fizzling out—let it go its course.
Say your high school best friend is staying at her college for the summer and not interested in responding to your text or calls. You could, of course, talk to them and let them know you'd like more time and attention with them. You could see how they respond. When I was younger I used to (perhaps very idealistically) believe that open dialogue could salvage and repair any situation. Now that I'm older, I understand that a successful dialogue is a 2-way street. You can't force someone hellbent on misunderstanding you to reconcile. Like that saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink. You have to use your best judgment; would that person be receptive to dialogue and interested in recuperation? Is it worth your time trying?
Either way, it would be a good idea to try making new friends with someone back home. Remember this friendship might just be for the summer season while you're home or could last longer. Consider someone who you never talked before or only had a few interactions with. Not to say you should pick just anyone randomly but focus on sparking a conversation. If you can maintain an interesting conversation that's a good starting point. Maybe talk to Julie who you always see working as a barista at the coffee shop or Tom who's also home for the summer from a different college.
As an adult, I've made friends and acquaintances from my hometown who I never spoke 3 sentences to in high school (not because we didn't like each other but because our worlds never overlapped. We attended a large high school). Friendship can be found in really unexpected places.
I hope this summer at home you embrace change and maybe see an old acquaintance is new light.
